In every marriage, each spouse has their own set of expectations, either spoken or unspoken. These could be regarding the relationship itself, or expectations for one another as individuals. Either way, what we expect of one another can inform much of our relationship, for better or worse.
If you and your spouse have experienced conflict over your expectations for one another, you aren’t alone. Expectations go hand-in-hand with something we call magical thinking. In other words, that means making assumptions about one another, rather than seeking the truth from our spouse.
Expectations and magical thinking can impact your spouse in a variety of ways that ultimately strain your relationship. The good news is, we can help! If you’re trying to navigate the murky waters of expectations in your marriage, read on from Dr. Les and Leslie Parrott.
While it’s not a bad thing to expect positive outcomes from your relationship, having unspoken expectations between the two of you can really put a damper on your marriage. That’s because unspoken expectations inevitably lead to conflict.
When we have a specific expectation of our spouse that we do not voice, they are unlikely to be able to fulfill it. And when our expectations go unfulfilled, we grow increasingly resentful. Resentment can lead us to internalize our frustrations, until one day, they finally explode on our unsuspecting spouse.
Unspoken expectations can also lead to magical thinking. Those are the conclusions we draw when we expect something from our spouse that we believe should be a given.
Have you said something to your spouse like, “I shouldn’t have to ask you to take the laundry to the laundry room! You should just see it and know it needs to be done!” Or, “Why do you need to hear that I love you all the time? Aren’t my actions clear enough?”
Or perhaps you have jumped to conclusions about what’s going through your spouse’s head…rather than asking them first. Making assumptions leads to broken expectations and hard feelings. In fact, it can perpetuate a cycle of broken expectations that we become increasingly unwilling to voice.
The truth is, none of us are mind-readers. It’s unrealistic to expect one another to simply absorb and understand what the other wants. So how do we overcome this problem?
Good communication is one of the most important features of a strong marriage. If you’re struggling with the expectations you have for one another, then it’s time to get back to your core communication. Improving your communication means you will be able to not only talk about the things you’d like to see in your relationship. It will also help you weed out those pesky magical thoughts and assumptions that are feeding your unmet expectations.
Be gentle with one another as you go through this process, and remember that we are all human. Communicating your expectations will also open you up to negotiating those expectations. Be honest with one another, and figure out what works best for you as a couple. With patience and honesty, you can overcome unspoken expectations, magical thinking, and assumptions and build a happier marriage.
If you’re looking for a guide to help you build a happier and more fulfilling marriage, Strengthen Your Marriage can help. This insightful guidebook helps married couples to navigate their relationship, strengthening it in the process. It pairs with our SYMBIS+ assessment for a full view of who you are in your marriage, with deep insights into how you relate to one another. Pre-order your copy here.
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